And now, live from Pick N Save...

E: "Okay, what's next..."
J: (pointing down the aisle) "Juice."
E: "Honey, you're not supposed to point at people and announce their ethnicity to them."
(Pause)
J: "No no...not Jews....Juice."

You know you've got one too.

Everyone has the phrase that makes their skin crawl. For some it's too dorky ("Catch ya on the flip side!"), too dated ("word to your mother"), or just plain overused ("OMG!"). My skin-crawler is arrogance.

If I've just finished telling a story, whether it be for conversation, humor, empathy or whatever, please please please do not respond with "I've got one better", "That's nothin', listen to this", or any derivative therein. Basically what you're saying to me is "I don't care about your story. It does not push my buttons. Now I, on the other hand, have a story that tops yours in every way. Be my captive audience while I share it with you, and by golly you'd better get your hugely animated reaction ready because I've already told you that this story is the end-all-be-all of verbal commentary so I know you'll agree!!!!!"

Lucky me.

Just once I'd love to get a response like:

"I can't top that."
"That is the best story I've ever heard in my entire life and I will never hear one better."
"I'll comment now for the sake of continuing our conversation, but it won't be nearly as good as what you've just shared."
"Can I write that down?"
"I have one similar, but it's slightly worse."

Now those are some idioms I could grab on to.

I don't get it.

I fully admit that I don't follow baseball. And perhaps the answer I seek is obvious to someone who does, and I'll be happy to hear it if anyone out there can explain it to me.

The first national news story the other night was about Robert Clemens' testimony before Congress on his alleged juicing. The coverage included footage of his comments as well as those of his accuser and personal trainer, with color commentary from another former baseball great. I understand that steroid use is illegal. I also happen to think the use of performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports is weak and cowardly. What I don't understand is why this is the concern of the U.S. Congress.

First of all, Major League Baseball is a corporation not controlled by the U.S. Government, right? If any other private company has scandal or legal troubles our government doesn't step in. Why now?
Secondly, if a federal law against doping has been violated, wouldn't it be addressed through the judicial branch, not the legislative branch?
And finally....in a time of two wars, no health care, recessive economy, broken educational system, stolen civil liberties, lost jobs, etc. etc., doesn't Congress have anything better to do?