Peg's comment on my graph post prompted a long conversation today with Erika, complete with defensiveness, tears, and my fair share of introspection.
Peg says " I'll take you as you am" (sic, I love this girl) and she means it. So the question I grappled with is why the hell I'm so obsessed? The obvious answer and the one I fear the most is that society demands us to fit into a Barbie-doll mold and there's something wrong (with us, of course) if we don't. But I've always told myself I don't give a shit about society's opinion of my belly! So today I had to ask myself for real--are you really that shallow that you're watching every little thing you eat and when you eat it and working out ad nauseum to fit some standard of society??
God, I hope not.
As we probed further (hee hee, she said "probe") I defended myself with what I believe are the two reasons I really do care so much:
A. My father died at age 46 of cardiac arrest, exacerbated by high blood pressure. My grandmother, mother and sister have struggled--really really struggled--most of their lives with the same issues. My mom has tried every diet and exercise plan out there just to maintain a weight healthy enough to see her grandchildren, but the fact is we are fighting an uphill battle. We weren't blessed with freight train metabolisms. My point is that I watch very carefully what I eat and I work out because if I don't I will start talking myself out of workouts ("my eyebrows need waxing") and into brownies ("I need to celebrate, I made it to Wednesday!"). And if I stop being diligent, really diligent, I don't have genes on my side and I will slip and I am afraid of that.
2. I have goals. I have goals for myself and for my family, some of which include 4-6 triathlons per summer (including an Ironman before I turn 40), fun runs and bike rides for charity well past retirement, and going rock climbing and hiking and swimming with my kids. I watch what I eat and I work out so I can meet my goals.
Those, I tell myself, are my real reasons. Should this translate into watching every pound and graphing my eating habits? Probably not. So I will change "shallow and obsessed" to "self-aware and diligent", and I will spare blog readers the self-deprecating whining from now on and stick to glorifying myself after killer workouts and awe-inspiring races.
Done.
3 comments:
Huh.
That Peg should quit harassing you. She's so aggressive!
I take you as you am, too. Whether it's barbie or genes, I think the important thing here is to quit beating yourself up. But what do I know about that.
Maybe you could graph out your obsessions? After you're done graphing mine, anyway (and provided you still have some paper.)
I only do it for the thrill of seeing my name in BLOG!
But it's a tough obsession to beat or even to understand. I've fought it all my life too, with far lesser results than yours. I'm always looking for reasons to justify my lack of "fitness", but in the end, I look in the mirror and long for that flat stomach I have never seen there. People who age more gracefully and stay perfectly fit don't even seem to have to work at it, so why should I?. I have tried it all and right now I am doing basically nothing healthy, but I still look in the mirror every morning hoping something's changed. Would you love me more if I had a perfect body? Probably not, but I would.
Peg
That's a hard balance to maintain, I can imagine.
I'm not sure if I'm happier about relatively good genes, or that I'm too lazy to be disciplined about working out (even though my pants have gotten tight this year, and I should really fix that).
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